5/4/16

Wednesday

Well, I did get up when my alarm went off... plus 5 minutes. And I did have breakfast. I had my music classes today. I skipped two classes prior, so I was pretty nervous to go back. The teacher gives us a piece of music we've never seen before and we have to sing it in front of the whole class. It's supposed to make me a better musician. Yeah. It also makes everyone extremely nervous and on edge.

I was about to leave my house when my friend called saying he needed a ride to school. "Sure, why not." I'm not ecstatic to go out of my way and be late, but whatever. He's a music major too. He's a music elitist actually. I'm not lying.

He feels psychophysiological disgust and anger when he listens to anything that isn't Louis Armstrong or Baroque piano. He thinks pop music is trash and boring. I'm no longer allowed to listen to my music in my own car. If I do and he happens to be in the car, he'll reflexively make a double chin and close off his body language, like a turtle trying its hardest to hide in its shell from the horrible diatonic music. Personally I find his music a bit boring.

He also keeps asking me for "driving lessons." I learned my lesson when he hit a curb and put a scratch on my car in the first 50 meters.

After school, he invited me to his concert tomorrow. I would really much rather spend my time otherwise, but I'm sure I'll enjoy it. Plus, how can I not go after everything I wrote yesterday.

I'm not sure what it is I really want out of this. I won't deny that as I upload these things and share that I get a sense of satisfaction when I receive notifications of people liking or commenting on these posts. I'm like this across all social mediums. Instagram likes, even Snapchat views. I don't consider myself to have low self-esteem like most girls (and some guys). But I guess I really do care what others think of me.

I've always wished that likes weren't a thing, so people could only comment, being forced to at least respond by intentionally typing out a "lol" or a smiley face, something personal and thoughtful. But likes are so lazy. It's lost its meaning when everything is liked. What does it mean that you liked something? What do you like about it? Do you find it beautiful? Does it make you happy? Are you morbidly curious? Do you agree or disagree? Do you like people's dark past or are you showing sympathy for one's pain? The like has no real depth. At least it's just a like and not a "love." As if the concept of love needs to be devalued any further. But like away if you wish. It's a free country. We have freedom of like.

Today was brother's appreciation. I never really have big expectations. I'm just grateful and ready to receive whatever has been prepared for me. Grandiosity is nice, and I am thankful for the hard work. But more than anything, the sisters themselves and the community is what I enjoy and appreciate the most. I don't lie and say we're perfect, me or you, but who cares. You guys are great and all inspiring in your own unique ways and I love you all. There were many people missing that I miss, but I'm certain they're exactly where they need to be (whatever that means).

Again, after coming home, I thought that maybe life is pointless. [study, work, raise kids, die, repeat] [prepare, do, repeat] Even if something great is achieved, it's not the end and there is more until you die. Sounds really sad huh.

Well Deuteronomy 32 says Israel is a nation devoid of council. Hosea 4 that people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.

Romans 8 agrees when I say this life sucks. It's not satisfactory. The fulfillment of desire is not fully realized until we pass this life. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us... For the creation was subjected to futility... the whole creation has been groaning together..." Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Christianity, even Atheists. We all affirm suffering in this life.

But there's more to life than just this earth. It's so very hard to hold on to a motivation for joy when the redundancy of life seems so real. But have faith! "Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."