5/14/16

This entry is about this entries.

As my journaling has transitioned into a public blog, I wonder more about the nature of public oversharing in a hyperconnected age.

I started this project of oversharing as a therapeutic and expository way to overcome my stifling self-conciousness and pretense. I did not intend for such openness to be interpreted as validation or condonation for my thoughts or feelings. Such as David is found many times to grieve in the psalms, or as we are often encouraged to come just as we are to church and before the Lord, I too sought to radically break down any false notions of the OC Korean-American Christian facade I may have been reinforcing and perpetuating through my own life. The elephant in the room that we all know is there, but are often too scared to point out once the music stops and the sobering cool lights are pushed back on.

But whatever my intentions were, perhaps they weren't enough to affect the reality of this blog project. I feel that as honest as my posts have been, they have been soberingly depressing. Like I mentioned in my previous entry, the general structure of my posts have been: complaints, cynicism, sin, defeat. With the exception of the first two posts, my posts display a general stagnation of repentance and hope. Not a decline. I feel that these posts at least help me to reflect and analyze my heart, maybe like analyzing a crime scene. The violence has already occurred and damage has been done. But we can trace our steps and try to figure out how the scene played out and how we've arrived here.

But that's as far as crime scene investigation reaches. This is a diagnosis, not the prescription. It's like, "Oh hey! Look at that, I've been stabbed!" and then bleeding out all the way to the coroner for him to examine the stab wound to identify what kind of blade may have been implicated, and then crawling back to the location of the assault where a crime scene investigation has been established.

Call the paramedics. Go to the hospital. Go see a doctor. Make sure you don't die first and then you can figure out your life if you still have it.

There are many more things on my minds. Things floating at the water's edge and things I have to fish for. But a combination of hesitating reserve and fatigue cuts this time short.

Oh, and that fatigue is purely phsyical. Not an existential fatigue. I'm just tired. I ran 4 miles out of nowhere today. There is a God.