5/3/16

Tuesday

Today I woke up. I felt negative again this morning. I drove. I walked. I felt pointless as I went through the motions. Like the desire to hit snooze had followed me to school. Then I thought, "But you have to do this. You must! There is life to be lived and you're going to live it." So I kept walking. I went to class and did my part. I enjoyed being there. I killed our presentation.

Again, I couldn't help but notice what a beautiful and charming woman my professor is. But the desires of the flesh are a rabid dog. She typically dresses modestly, but she's no puritan. (This is really quite embarrassing to write) I chose not to look. Just because that's not what she is. Lies bring absolutely no fulfillment or joy. I don't considerate it noble, just what is right.

I have a friend at school. I find him very irritating. Why? I don't like having to put up with him. I don't like catering to others I guess. If you're a cool person, then chill yo. But this guy's weird and clingy. I guess it stems from deeper issues in his life. I really don't like being with this guy. More precisely, he's aight, but I'd rather not.

If I'm honest with myself, I don't hate him. I think my attitude towards him shows that for as much as I actually like this dude, I'm so worried about my life and what I "have to get done." So I feel that being with him is a waste of time. Ironically, I don't find my life any better stressing about everything when I am alone. Honestly, there is so much more value in living life together and investing in this train wreck of a brother than there is in schizophrenia-inducing seclusion.

Again, I wasn't particularly productive at home, but I did study some music (secondary dominants) and got some ministry related things done, so awesome.

Shower thoughts: I haven't properly coped with the disappearance of my cat. He's just a cat, but I loved that cat. Perhaps as Croosh was a symbol for the lost sheep I saw in Japan (and everywhere), Mochi is a symbol for me, that I am a lost sheep as well. As I miss my cat and remember the cuts and bruises he would come home with near the end of his time with us, I reflect on my cuts and bruises that I've been hiding the last few months. And then, he was gone. Don't know why. Don't know what happened. The night he didn't come home, I heard yowling and screeching in a moment shrouded in pain and fear. I can only assume it was Mochi, maybe taken by a coyote, but I'll never know for sure. I still think about it almost every day.

This was actually the second time Mochi had disappeared.

Previously, Mochi had been missing for 3 days. I cried and wept like an idiot. I prayed desperately that God would bring him back home, even if just for one last time. At least let me say goodbye. Less than 10 minutes after I prayed that prayer, he back in. Skinny, matted fur, scratched up, reeking of urine. Tired, eyes glazed. He was never really the same afterwards. He didn't ever cuddle with me anymore. He would spend every moment he could outside, usually coming home very late. He still insisted on sprawling out on my desk when I actually tried to do homework. He still thought my actively writing pen was some sort of massage instrument.

Two or so weeks with us, and he was gone again.

Now it's 1:00 AM. I've run out of time to find a happier note to end on. I wanted to wake up at 6AM tomorrow, have one of those mornings you see on American television all the time. Newspaper, coffee, breakfast, minus the running late and lost keys part. Oh well. I haven't read the Bible today like I wanted to, but it's okay. Tis life.