5/13/16

Even journaling seems kind of pointless now.

As I was sitting in worship service today, P. Joe was talking about Job. He mentioned the desire in this lifetime, the dukkha (for lack of a better English term), or dissatisfaction with the world; the intuition that this world leaves more to be wanted. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, this life sucks. All of creation is groaning

But this is where I'm stuck. I'm not really living in the conviction that there is an eternity, past this life, that is ruled and judged by God. I'm in a passive cycle of feeling a little better after talking to people, journaling, or reading the Word and immediately questioning the reality of it all and feeling indifferent out of a lack of conviction and subsequent motivation.

And maybe this is why journaling seems pointless: because I don't have an appropriate application for it in an eternal mindset. Plus, so far it's been mostly wallowing in self-pity and criticism, and no one likes to read that. I'm sure that as my journaling becomes a communal reading, people become bored of a character stuck in the slums of self-pity, never taking the initiative to rise above his circumstances becoming an icon of inspiration and writing a story of victory. No. So far my public story is pretty sad.

I do have genuine apologetical questions and reservations about Christianity. Whether seeking epistemological answers is only a distraction or can really help me come to terms with overly dramatic, extistential teenage doubt, I don't know.

The people I've talked to said that they're not particularly worried about me, that I seem to still be on the right track. Hmm... we'll see.

Here's a beautiful, haunting song. Bach's "Chaconne". Bach wrote this piece for solo violin around 1718, after returning home from a trip and finding that his wife had passed away while he was gone.

Part 1

Part 2