7/23/16

red sun red sun red sun

Saw my friends. It was a short time, but very needed, and very helpful.
I did want to write about something else, but after thinking about it in the shower, overall, I feel differently.


Overall, I feel a monotony in our lives.

Like when we're sitting around the fire, and none of us can talk.
We're all thinking something. Why can't we just say it?

This whole time, I did not hear a single thing about Jesus. I did not see a meeting of Christians after the heart of Christ. I saw a meeting of a group of friends who do Christian things and go to church.

It makes me sad. Like, it's not bad that we had a good time. It was fun. But it was... shallow... leaving more to be desired.

I thought about it while we were in the car. If we're not to talk about Jesus, then the only things left to talk about are so shallow. I don't like small talk. Even with my closest friends. Small talk is fine. fun. good enough. normal. But... it's just empty fluff after the fact.

It was really nice to see everyone, but I can't help but feel unproductive, shallow. That's my perspective; from someone who hasn't been involved.

Everyone just seems tired, letting each step clunk down clumsily on the path they walk because... because... kicking up dust. Wanting more.

7/22/16

어떻게 해야아면 좋을까요
그만 좀 말을 시키지는 마요
정말 지겨워

할말 다했어 뭐 또 필요하니
사랑한다면 나를 꼭 안아줘
아픈 날 찔린 말
화가 나서 그래

Life is made of choices
Everyday you choose to live
Or die according to your preferences
It's a game it's inane we end up dying anyways
And right and wrong is vindicated by the one
Whom we're created by
So you can try to judge me
And even if you're right you know that you can't touch me
내가 잘못했단걸 인정할게
과거를 넘어가자 니 앞가림이나 잘해

Cos I'm flying I'm flying higher than I've ever been
And you can try to tell me different It's irrelevant
I'm doing what I want
I'm writing my music and spitting these lyrics
I ain't tryina please you so I ain't gon listen
Yeah I'm trying this out making my own beats
Cos I'm tired of copies 모든거 똑같이
And you can take a listen but I ain't giving any lessons
I ain't fronting to be something that I'm not
So I'll confess and say

난 요즘 너무 외로워
그래도 돌아가기 너무 늦었어
제발 누가 나를 좀 도와줘

I'm not sorry for falling, sorry
I'm not sorry for failing you again
I'm sorry you feel that way

Confused? Yeah I'll tell you who's confused
요즘 집에서 안 나오고 속마음을 담은 곡 이유 있겠지
난 어디를 가도 고갤 못 들고
혹시 누가 나를 알아보겠지 그게 두려워
난 책임을 다 달아나 버렸지만
오히려 난 여유가 없어지고 나인듯 desaparece
많아지는 파리세끼처럼
햇갈리게 하는 고민도

Why I'm always at Stereo
Scoping out the ladies based on their exterior
I'm wasting my time telling myself I'm fine
Doctor check my vital signs
And tell me everything will be alright
Be alright be alright be alright
요즘 말을하기 지겨웠던 be alright
Be alright be alright

아마 나만
나만 거짓말 속에 속이진거야
그럴거야 그래 이제도 그래

I'm not sorry for falling, sorry
I'm not sorry for failing you again
I'm sorry you feel that way

7/12/16

Writing lyrics is hard. Especially when you have no content in your life to write about. I don't understand the people who write themed music, stories made out of thin air on a whim. If it's not me, I can't write it. What is there to write?

Writing lyrics is damn hard. The last time I wrote good lyrics was when I journaled. So screw this fake ass, people pleasing, mainstream lyrical content I've been trying to do the past couple weeks.
To go against everything I've just written above, here is a lyric from Beenzino.

I’m unique So unique
I’m so busy I’m being myself
난 흑인 백인도 아니지
I’m busy I’m being myself
I’m unique So unique
I’m so busy I’m being myself
난 외계인 이계인도 아니지
I’m busy I’m being my

Wow. So deep.

It's nice to see people.

I also hate it, because we all know wassup.

뻔한 "How are you doing?" "I'm doing okay."

I write all my shit on my blog; how the fuck do you think I'm doing.
Spare me. I don't hate you. I just hate the small talk.
It's not even that I think it's your small talk, 'cos that's as far as I'm willing to go too.
So spare me. Just tell me you've been praying for me. And if you haven't, don't worry, 'cos I'm not.
Do you really expect me to just say "My life is a mess. Please help?" There's a reason I'm not around: I don't want your help. Actually, I just want it gone.

I'm not recharged by unexpected encounters. I feel a heavy sadness come over me, like the painkillers have worn off. It's my family's last dinner altogether, but I can't even put on a smile or crack a joke. I just look past their faces to the table where my two friends are sitting, hiding behind their heads, wondering, the lonely boy I abandoned, secretly if they're talking about me when I'm not around.



What did the prodigal son feel when he ran away from his home? Maybe the same. Seems like he didn't give two shits. Maybe the reason why he partied so hard was because he gave ten shits actually. Because he regretted it so much, but his pride said it was too late to turn around, so he drowned his depression with pussy and prescriptions.

I must say:

I'm not really sorry, but I wanna go back.
I'm not really interested in the kingdom right now

But I do miss its people

I wanna go back, but I'm not really sorry.
That's why you don't see me around.

It'd be nice if, if I go back, you pretend like poor me, poor confused soul, I did nothing wrong.
But I would rather the just reaction be and you hate me. It would only be right.

So please, until I beg and plead, I implore you to hate me if I've made your life harder than it already is. Maybe it's the only way I'll learn how fragile your hearts are.

I don't hate any of you all. But the reverse is true. I don't truly love any of you all.
No. I'm not a saint. No. Not by any means.

I don't know what love is. Can I say I love myself? I don't consider self-love love. And no, I don't think I do. Would I be living my life the way I am if I did?

If every day is filled with a thousand thoughts, nine-hundred of them are yours.

7/3/16

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've journaled as well.

Rather than journal in a diary style, where I vomit every unprocessed, unfiltered thought onto my poor moleskin journal, I've been directing myself towards writing lyrics and melodies. Like I said earlier in one of my entries, personal dirt seems more acceptable if it's supported by good vibes. Hmm, maybe cuz people don't care much what lyrics say as long as it's lit.

I'm enchanted by the way combinations of frequencies can make me feel a type of way, a way that words alone can only do so much to try. Sorrow, glee, indifference, tension, sw4g.