8/31/16 When Your Pastor Says, "Don't Share Your Testimony Like It's A Selfie."

FJC Library 11am

As soon as you think it'll be better and you take a step in the right direction, you say fuck this.
And you don't wanna bottle it up, but you just do it anyways.
And you don't wanna be sad anymore, but you think happiness is foolish too.
And as the days pass you by, you find yourself having more moments where you just want to cry,
But you don't wanna be a bitchass so you just get mad and pretend like it's any better.
And you just get up in the morning because you're tired of sleeping, but there's nothing to do so you just write some bullshit in your planner so you're not just staring at the ceiling all day.

I look at my cats and I really think God is trying to get a hold of me through them.

Like when I think about Mochi, as I think about him a lot these days. And I think about how scared he must have been. How much he must have hurt. How cold and hungry he must have been. How much he must have wanted to come home, but he was too scared to do so. How much I hate that fucking cat across the street that probably killed my Mochi.
But it's not just Mochi that hurt. Who was his father? How much I wanna cry at times when I remember him, both tears of sadness and joy.

And I look at Roxy. And every time it's past sunset and she hasn't come home yet, I worry for her. And I think about how happy she is; purring, flipping over with her belly to the sky, feeling safe and at home. How every morning, she's waiting, meowing, biting and digging her claws into my feet for me to get my lazy ass out of bed so I can play with her. And how happy she is to be with me. But is it just her? No. I'm just happy to be with her too.

EDIT: Making friends at school is really hard. I want friends, but not bad enough to force myself to talk to new people. Kinda need to though, ya know.

I'm very awkward these days. I was walking downstairs into a hallway. I looked around out of curiosity, and caught a glimpse of a girl who was in my guitar class last semester. As I turned to continue on my way, I heard her say from behind, "Hey!"
Shit. So I turned around and pulled my, "Huh? Did someone call me?" face.  You know, scanning the room, looking confused for maybe a split second. "Oh, heyyyy! Wassup?" Really not in the mood to make small talk and make new friends, but don't wanna be an asshole.
Long story short, I didn't have much to say, she didn't have much to say. We both went to Sunny Hills. Pretty crappy conversation. Lots of awkward pauses filled with cringing faces. Looked at my phone and pretended I had somewhere to be and got the hell out of there.

Bye!

7/23/16

red sun red sun red sun

Saw my friends. It was a short time, but very needed, and very helpful.
I did want to write about something else, but after thinking about it in the shower, overall, I feel differently.


Overall, I feel a monotony in our lives.

Like when we're sitting around the fire, and none of us can talk.
We're all thinking something. Why can't we just say it?

This whole time, I did not hear a single thing about Jesus. I did not see a meeting of Christians after the heart of Christ. I saw a meeting of a group of friends who do Christian things and go to church.

It makes me sad. Like, it's not bad that we had a good time. It was fun. But it was... shallow... leaving more to be desired.

I thought about it while we were in the car. If we're not to talk about Jesus, then the only things left to talk about are so shallow. I don't like small talk. Even with my closest friends. Small talk is fine. fun. good enough. normal. But... it's just empty fluff after the fact.

It was really nice to see everyone, but I can't help but feel unproductive, shallow. That's my perspective; from someone who hasn't been involved.

Everyone just seems tired, letting each step clunk down clumsily on the path they walk because... because... kicking up dust. Wanting more.

7/22/16

어떻게 해야아면 좋을까요
그만 좀 말을 시키지는 마요
정말 지겨워

할말 다했어 뭐 또 필요하니
사랑한다면 나를 꼭 안아줘
아픈 날 찔린 말
화가 나서 그래

Life is made of choices
Everyday you choose to live
Or die according to your preferences
It's a game it's inane we end up dying anyways
And right and wrong is vindicated by the one
Whom we're created by
So you can try to judge me
And even if you're right you know that you can't touch me
내가 잘못했단걸 인정할게
과거를 넘어가자 니 앞가림이나 잘해

Cos I'm flying I'm flying higher than I've ever been
And you can try to tell me different It's irrelevant
I'm doing what I want
I'm writing my music and spitting these lyrics
I ain't tryina please you so I ain't gon listen
Yeah I'm trying this out making my own beats
Cos I'm tired of copies 모든거 똑같이
And you can take a listen but I ain't giving any lessons
I ain't fronting to be something that I'm not
So I'll confess and say

난 요즘 너무 외로워
그래도 돌아가기 너무 늦었어
제발 누가 나를 좀 도와줘

I'm not sorry for falling, sorry
I'm not sorry for failing you again
I'm sorry you feel that way

Confused? Yeah I'll tell you who's confused
요즘 집에서 안 나오고 속마음을 담은 곡 이유 있겠지
난 어디를 가도 고갤 못 들고
혹시 누가 나를 알아보겠지 그게 두려워
난 책임을 다 달아나 버렸지만
오히려 난 여유가 없어지고 나인듯 desaparece
많아지는 파리세끼처럼
햇갈리게 하는 고민도

Why I'm always at Stereo
Scoping out the ladies based on their exterior
I'm wasting my time telling myself I'm fine
Doctor check my vital signs
And tell me everything will be alright
Be alright be alright be alright
요즘 말을하기 지겨웠던 be alright
Be alright be alright

아마 나만
나만 거짓말 속에 속이진거야
그럴거야 그래 이제도 그래

I'm not sorry for falling, sorry
I'm not sorry for failing you again
I'm sorry you feel that way