8/31/16 When Your Pastor Says, "Don't Share Your Testimony Like It's A Selfie."

FJC Library 11am

As soon as you think it'll be better and you take a step in the right direction, you say fuck this.
And you don't wanna bottle it up, but you just do it anyways.
And you don't wanna be sad anymore, but you think happiness is foolish too.
And as the days pass you by, you find yourself having more moments where you just want to cry,
But you don't wanna be a bitchass so you just get mad and pretend like it's any better.
And you just get up in the morning because you're tired of sleeping, but there's nothing to do so you just write some bullshit in your planner so you're not just staring at the ceiling all day.

I look at my cats and I really think God is trying to get a hold of me through them.

Like when I think about Mochi, as I think about him a lot these days. And I think about how scared he must have been. How much he must have hurt. How cold and hungry he must have been. How much he must have wanted to come home, but he was too scared to do so. How much I hate that fucking cat across the street that probably killed my Mochi.
But it's not just Mochi that hurt. Who was his father? How much I wanna cry at times when I remember him, both tears of sadness and joy.

And I look at Roxy. And every time it's past sunset and she hasn't come home yet, I worry for her. And I think about how happy she is; purring, flipping over with her belly to the sky, feeling safe and at home. How every morning, she's waiting, meowing, biting and digging her claws into my feet for me to get my lazy ass out of bed so I can play with her. And how happy she is to be with me. But is it just her? No. I'm just happy to be with her too.

EDIT: Making friends at school is really hard. I want friends, but not bad enough to force myself to talk to new people. Kinda need to though, ya know.

I'm very awkward these days. I was walking downstairs into a hallway. I looked around out of curiosity, and caught a glimpse of a girl who was in my guitar class last semester. As I turned to continue on my way, I heard her say from behind, "Hey!"
Shit. So I turned around and pulled my, "Huh? Did someone call me?" face.  You know, scanning the room, looking confused for maybe a split second. "Oh, heyyyy! Wassup?" Really not in the mood to make small talk and make new friends, but don't wanna be an asshole.
Long story short, I didn't have much to say, she didn't have much to say. We both went to Sunny Hills. Pretty crappy conversation. Lots of awkward pauses filled with cringing faces. Looked at my phone and pretended I had somewhere to be and got the hell out of there.

Bye!