02/22/18 Sometimes I dream about what my life could be

Sometimes I dream about what my life could be
I sit and ponder about what I think would make me happy
What I want to do
What I want to accomplish
Where I want to be
Who I want to become


But it all just seems so far away
It seems so unreachable from here
So unattainable from where I sit







To have such lofty goals
Such high ideals and fantasies

It’s a bit much, no?
A bit stressful, wouldn’t you say so?

But i don’t want to stay here.
I don’t want to stay on the ground.
I don’t want to let the sands of time cover me.
Slowly, sedimentary, as I gloss over and fossilize into stone and statue.

Let me be a statue,
But only after I die.

And while I am alive
Don’t let me;
I can.
I will.
I don’t know how I will do it.
I will stunbkle
And I might sprain my ankles
I might twist my legs
And strain my eyes til
I see in wrinkles.

But i’ll get there.

It may be the serotonin and my feelings
That i get when i’m with you, I’m feeling.
It may be the rush of life that comes in seasons
The valley lows and mountain wind that breezes.
It may be my choices and direction
Or the calvinists election.

Who knows?
Who cares?


I just have a real good feeling.


Sent from my iPhone

01/13/18

Sometimes I wish i smoked
So i could stand outside and just think
Without looking like such an idiot.

01/07/18

Maybe i should stop being such a loser
Maybe i should stop being such a sorry piece of crap
Maybe i should stop feeling sorry for myself
And carry on like they want me to be, a real man

What can my friends do for me
When my friends are neck deep in crap
I never asked for this life
I’m too weak to say that i can

I’m too weak to say that i can
I’m too weak to say that i can
My friends are nice to me
And no one is mean to me
They do all that they can

Because all they know is I can
Because I show not what I am
Because I genuinely feel in their presence
That life ain’t so bad

It’s when I’m alone i feel I’m sad
It’s when it’s quiet and i’m left to my thoughts
That I think to myself
I’m just a loser, nothing more than that

Sometimes even when I’m with people
Those thoughts they slip through the cracks
They sneak in through the back
And my mood is tainted with darkness
As i lower the brim of my cap

But what am I to say
What am i to do
I should lift my hands in praise
And give Him all the glory back

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to break free from this darkness that eats me
Sometimes i want to end it all and just go quietly

There’s a picture in my room
A picture of me, from more innocent days
So young, so pure, so ignorant and unsure
So ignorant and unsure, yet young, so pure

His life full of days
I feel sorry, that I’ve wasted them away
I’m sorry to the little boy
That i’ve made him this way

I want to be happy
I want to scream
And shout for joy because I am happy
Man i’m just so happy
I’m just glad to be me.

I feel sorry to say I can’t do even that
I can’t love myself, or my Lord who never turns his back

My soul is tired from the constant turning
Away from sin, before i go running right back
To the point i become so tired
Of running around the same old tracks

The engine is tired
My wheels are all shat
The paint may be shiny
But my oil is pitch black

I hope that at least
this can help somebody

But for tonight I lie down my head
With my heart turning black.



And this my unrequited
desire, may push away
But fuck it whatever
I’m just poor lonely old me

How can i love her
How can i love anyone
How can me anyone love
When i can’t even love me

I wish all this I could say
But I’m much too damn afraid
I’m scared to say it, admit it
I might scare my friends away

I might ruin the christmas cheer
For Christ or fucking deer
Im not the center of the universe
So please just leave me here

You do it anyways
You click my posts and read
Whoever those numbers are clicking them
They read and maybe shed a tear

They used to leave a like
Maybe a comment
To show they’re on my side(?)

I guess I’m just too weird for them
Too real and unrefined
Too gross and undefined
Unstable and out of mind
Too perverse and too depressed
Too weak, i’ll break their innocence
with tumultuous currents unrepressed

No one approaches me anymore
Because I’m sad too often
Because this life moves forward
So long i’ve been forgotten


I hope that at least
this can help somebody

But for tonight I lie down my head
With my heart turning black.

Thinking, "fuck. this is dark."
But fuck me, it's how I feel,
Maybe who I am.